This is Amber’s Rambles, a feature where I discuss bookish or blogging topics. It is typically posted on Thursdays, but may be posted on other days as well. To see past posts, you can go here.
Ok, I can’t believe I’m writing this.
This has been a blog post I have been wanting to write forever. I think I’m posting it now because life is interfering now.
As bloggers, we know there are times when we can’t read/blog/comment because of “life” and it’s interference(s). I just wanted to write this to talk about when events or just regular stuff happen, we find ourselves being unable to read or blog or comment because of it.
Actually, I think this post is going to go a bit different than that. If you follow me on Twitter, chances are you’ve seen a tweet such as “Rescue me” or “Why don’t any of you live closer?…”. Of course, I always put some sort of smiley emoticon afterwards because I don’t want anyone on Twitter to actually think
“Wow, that girl is actually asking strangers on Twitter to “rescue” her.”
Because it sounds weird, right? It sounds needy.
If you don’t know already, I live at home, which consists of my parents, sister and grandma. If you have read my weekly recaps or monthly recaps, you may have noticed I always talk about this “family drama” going on, but I never go into details. I’m not going to go into details now either.
The point is, when this “family drama” goes on, it generally doesn’t involve me, it involves people among my family, but not really me. Although it sometimes does. However, it’s a huge stress cause to me. When it goes on or after it finishes, I’m completely drained emotionally and physically. If I had a blog post I wanted/planned to do that day, you can assume I’m not doing it.
Because I can’t. I don’t have the mental or physical energy or mental or emotional mindset to say “Okay, I’m going to blog anyway”.
It basically cripples me from doing anything. Even things I enjoy. This is why you may have seen me not post for a week or more, which I’ve done a few times. Because I can’t even think of making a post and I can’t even imagine going through blogs and reading and commenting on them. It’s too draining for me. I think the reason I’m posting this today is because, yes, family drama has started up, the typical sort and yes, before this I was going through this exact mode I’m talking about. That’s why I barely blogged last week, it’s why it taken me longer than a month to write a blog post for another blog. It’s why I haven’t commented or visited on anyone’s blogs, not really (I’m sorry about that, by the way).
And i’ve honestly wondered “Is this depression? This state I’m in?”.
I know, it sounds like I’m over-reacting probably. “Amber, you can’t call yourself depressed because you’re stressed about home”, but then there’s more to it… This has gone on for years, I’m 23 now and I’ve been this way since I was 14 or 15.
I randomly (or not so randomly in the above case) go through these modes where I’m self-loathing, wanting to die, extremely sad and overall just….messed up. That’s the only way I can describe it. Nothing has to cause it, I’ll be okay and then ten minutes later, everything will just fall apart in my head and it all seems so pointless.
Does that make sense?
I don’t want to call myself depressed. I know there are actual people out there, I’ve even encountered a couple here in the blogosphere, that suffer through it. But if it’s not depression, I don’t know what it is.
I tell myself it can’t be depression because when I was at college for those two years, I was mostly happy. Mostly. I didn’t have too much stress when I was gone.
Of course, you’ll see me tweeting on Twitter and having conversations with people. I ask myself “You can tweet and you can talk to this one friend and you can enter contests online. How are you depressed? You wake up and get online. You can have a semi-full conversation with your parents. You can get excited over something”.
So do I not suffer depression since I’ve gone through happy periods of time? Are those things I mentioned above “happy periods of time”. Do they mean I’m not depressed? I don’t know the answer, but I really wish I did.
This happens when nothing’s wrong with my life. Am I just over-emotional? Is it because I’m….not all there? Have I just not fully grown up yet? I don’t know any of the freaking answers. Maybe nothing’s wrong with me, but I don’t know.
This is what Merriam-Webster says the definition of depression is:
2: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as
a : a pressing down : lowering
b (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies
c (1) : a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2) : a lowering of vitality or functional activity
Would i say I suffer from those things? Yes, however, I will never self-diagnose myself with something as serious as depression.
I guess what this blog post is about is how…life interferes whether it’s jobs, children, our families, or classes. We generally can’t stop it. It interferes out of the blue, we can plan something blog-wise only for it to not happen the way we want it do. Regardless of it’s a physical cause or a mental cause.
When life interferes for me, I don’t want to read or blog or comment on blogs. I don’t want to do anything really. Except sleep.
I hope no one takes offense to me using the term depression. If you think I described depression wrongly or didn’t take it seriously, I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t mean to. I don’t take this lightly at all.
When life interferes for you and you find yourself unable to read, blog or comment, whether by uncontrollable force or you feel like you “can’t”, what do you do instead? Do you have coping mechanisms? Have you ever found yourself in the same spot? Can you relate with this sadness? Let me know.
Title: The Walled City
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